A few years ago Barbie and I had the pleasure of a day at the Woodbine Racetrack in Toronto with Susan McCutcheon, a wonderful lady and a true aficionado of everything Thoroughbred.  We spent a fun afternoon deep in the intellectual pursuit of interpreting the facts found in the Racing Form, combing that precise information for insight, then using what we had gleaned to delineate the difference between the pretenders and the contenders, finally, backing the contenders with our wagers.

We should have spent the time on a more productive pursuit, like reading tea leaves.

Success was elusive that day, and it wasn’t long before we defaulted to those age-old ‘systems’ that losing horse players always go to when desperation rears its ugly head.  You know: the “Cutest Jockey” system, the “Grey Horse” system, the “Green Silks” system, and of course the tried and true “Ginsberg System,” which suggests betting only on those horses with two-word names where both words start with the same letter, like Afleet Alex, or Big Brown.
They didn’t work either.

By late we were in ‘full surrender’ mode, at which point Susan looked at us and said, “Have you ever created a story using all the names of the horses in a race?”   We said we hadn’t, and she said, “Well, here’s one for you,” and she promptly recited her ‘story,’ using all of the horses in that day’s seventh race.  I remember us having a good laugh at her clever fable.  I wish I’d kept a copy.

I haven’t thought about this in quite a while, but this morning, in looking over the names of this year’s top twenty-five Kentucky Derby eligibles, I saw the possibilities for a “Susan story.”  So with apologies to all, here’s A Kentucky Derby Tale, 2009 style.  (Derby horses are in bold type.)

“PAPA CLEM said to WIN WILLY, “Here’s my ADVICE.

Depart GENERAL QUARTERS and take the QUALITY ROAD to DUNKIRK where you can attend the DESERT PARTY, meet the PIONEER OF THE NILE, and JOIN IN THE DANCE.”  

He then told WEST SIDE BERNIE, aka MR. HOT STUFF, to TAKE THE POINTS and win the CHOCOLATE CANDY!  (Like that was some kind of a REGAL RANSOM).

At that moment a SUMMER BIRD (FLYING PRIVATE), was about to land in a GIANT
OAK, when the MUSKET MAN, shouting “I WANT REVENGE,” cut loose with a hail of FRIESAN
FIRE.

The bird fell in pieces like ATOMIC RAIN, whereupon SQUARE EDDIE shouted “HOLD ME BACK!” as he grabbed his shovel and began to MINE THAT BIRD.

Was all this planned or was it JUST A COINCIDENCE?”

You should give this a try next time you’re having a bad day at the windows.  You may get so distracted you’ll forget to bet, or even get shut out.

Think of the money you’ll make!

Paul H. Rothfuss